"To me, fair friend, you never can be old.
For as you were when first your eye I eyed.
Such seems your beauty still."
My soul aches. I admit it. At the risk of exposing more about myself than I probably should, to whom shall I turn to admonish such strife? For in my proclamation there can be redemption, or at the very least, some relief. To bottle up truths about myself can only perpetuate circumstance as I am a firm believer in learning from my past.
For a few, the notion of my heartfelt desires are no mystery. I live a life that is filled with expression and the inability--at times--to restrain my proclamations. That's just who I am and I make no apologies for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I've always been a passionate man, it was something I gleaned from my mother. Over the years, through maturity, and thanks to hundreds of mistakes, I've learned to be much more tactful. Yet the aching in my soul is two fold.
One side is riddled with regret for the times I've hurt others. Mind you, this hasn't been a frequent occurrence but each one has been significant enough to create a scar that I fondly recognize as catalysts to improve. Amongst these scars are a few that stand out and it is to these individuals that my begging for forgiveness may never be appeased. For I cannot rid myself of scars, can I? They are reminders of what was done or said, and while someone I've hurt may cover my scar and tell me it's okay, it remains. To you, you, and you--you know who you are, please know this.
The other side of my soul is plagued with desire. Directly connected and in relation to the adjacent, my pension for fantasizing about the "could be" has built a house of cards. Each jostle in life causes a collapse for which my fantastical imagination shields me from reluctance in rebuilding. After I emerge from my idealistic haze, I see that same house of cards as it was and push forward in hopes of realizing my dreams. Somewhere out there are answers and resolutions, are finalities and dead ends. They can be great, they can be sad, they can be apathetic but there they be.
Woman III, by Willem de Kooning (1904-1997), is an oil on canvas, abstract expressionism painting and one of a series of six paintings of women as the central theme. Using bold, uncouth lines and sweeps, de Kooning exhibits Picasso-like interpretation with his "action painting" style. Of particular note are the female's engaging eyes and large breasts which seem to imply a superficial attempt to appear beautiful. Of subtle note are the female's hands and blur of movement from her waist down which seem to imply a sense of hurry underneath a superficial gaze.
Not much is known about the intent of what de Kooning was attempting to express. But that's why art is so fascinating and it lends to our imaginations as we feel through our own impressions. This particular piece stood out for me because it portrays the same emotional implications that are currently aching my soul. For I see a woman trying in earnest to be someone she isn't in an effort to hide her real pains and insecurities. The work displays what appears to be relative calm albeit feigned but the motion in the background and just below her breasts seem to indicate deeper seeded troubles. It's as if she's pretending to be polite or charming but it's all a mask for emotional issues she avoids or ignores.
She stands, staring at me with her crooked nose and flowing hair, and I can't help but feel sorry for her. She seems to be hurting herself and I sense similar strife in her that I struggle with thus making this a piece that I instantly identify with. Each day my heart wants to put aside what I truly feel so that I can concentrate on what's important for the day. But my soul won't let me and thus I have to carefully navigate through each obstacle ensuring both aspects of myself are relatively satisfied. For me, I refuse to ignore either of them and when I see this woman, I'm reminded of all those times when I had.
It all boils down to understanding the roots of our desires. Why do we want what we want? And once you've figured that out, you ask why of the whys. You reach down and find the very purpose for your will to live, to succeed, to push forward and pursue your dreams. Love. Beauty. Forgiveness. Peace.
"A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness."